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A short imagined monologue: the “O’s” hat

By on May 4

Ellohay losers. Just wanted to remind you that I’m back for another year of awesome. From Adam Eaton to Sal Fasano, I’ve been worn by some of the all-time worsts, and I’m proud to say, I’ll be ruining your life for at least one more season.

I mean, what do you think, do you think someone actually designed me to look like this? Well here’s a newsflash for you, AC360: I was made in MarioPaint in 7 seconds and I’m more powerful than you will ever know.

Did you know that since I became the secondary team hat the Orioles have had exactly ZERO winning seasons?!?

OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

That’s because I hustle and flow in stealth mode like a upholstered Jackie Chan.

How do I do it?

Well, I start by fronting a look that’s straight out of CorelDRAW 2. Then I kick up 3 trillion notches by ninja kicking grammar DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. When was the last time you saw an apostrophe used to stand for “riole”?

Thought not.

You think I don’t know that I’m primarily found in the bargain bin at Marshalls?  It’s called a MARKETING STRATEGY neanderthal. While the rest of you idiots are busy lamenting the loss of the cartoon oriole face, I’m making my way into thousands of homes on the backs of undiscerning sister-in-laws and grandmas everywhere.

Pretty soon, it’s going to be Oriole’s, Nick Markaki’s and Camden Yard’s!

You think I’m making this up?!

I BET YOU WISH I WAS CRAPHAT!!!

I am a dark ark, the final hoarcrux of Lord Angelos, and I will have my bond.

Go pound sand.

5 Responses to “A short imagined monologue: the “O’s” hat”

  1. Meagan says:

    Wow. I was laughing so much I spit out my cereal. Nice hoarcrux reference too.

  2. Mark
    Mark says:

    I think we’ve clearly staked out a place in the O’s blogosphere that no one else can even touch

  3. Becca says:

    You’d think a place like Baltimore that struggles with poverty and education would be more sensitive about broadcasting our grammatical issues to the world….

  4. Jon says:

    Adam, I know this O’s apostrophe thing has bothered you for a while, but I think you’ve finally lost it buddy. Maybe it was the 13 losing seasons, maybe it was Angelos.. or maybe it really is just the grammatical error representing the “city that reads”. Either way, I think you’ve finally crossed over to the dark side. And by dark, I mean crazy.

  5. Adam
    Adam says:

    Haha. Dude, I’ve been crazy for a loooong time. Even before the O’s hat existed, if you can believe it.

    However, unless that little mark between the O and the lowercase s is a stylistic teardrop meant as a subtle commentary on the recent success of the team, then I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be there.
    And if it’s supposed to be an apostrophe, well, it’s the crappiest looking apostrophe in history.

    What message can it possibly be sending? Could it be …

    Baltimore: the city that reads … and REALLY likes apostrophes.
    Baltimore: Get in on it! And by it, we mean apostrophes!
    Baltimore: Believe (in apostrophes). ‘Cause WE DO.

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